Four Times Forever by Carmen Black

Author:Carmen Black [Black, Carmen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Scarlet Lantern Publishing
Published: 2024-09-13T00:00:00+00:00

Ethan

How did some people kill and go on about their lives as if nothing happened? There hadn't been a single day of rest since. Not an ounce of happiness. To be fair, if it wasn't for Ryan, I would have found a way to cope. Done my best to feel anything else, and if I was lucky, felt nothing at all. I'd have found a way to focus on this fucked up excuse that I was somehow doing this because of Lily and convinced myself that I'd done the right thing. But no, not with Ryan.

How could he have been so fucking stupid? He wanted to get caught; that was the only explanation as to why he wouldn't do everything in his fucking power to avoid the police. The worst part was I didn't blame him. That was why he pissed me off so much. He embodied the humanity that I wouldn't allow myself to face otherwise. That we were all trying to snuff out.

He was so intent on reliving what we were fighting to forget every fucking day. Speak about it. Eat it, sleep it, breathe it. Like fuck! Please. Just try to be strong enough for all of us. He made me question the kind of person I was. Brought up this broken mirror that distorted my reflection when I looked back at it.

And it wasn't that he was weak. He was braver than I was, because I couldn't allow myself to go there, not completely, to examine the memory in full detail. I couldn't bear the burden he was carrying on his back. I hated seeing him like that, and I hated him even more for not fighting it like we all were. For not hiding it.

Then, there was the threat, hanging over our heads. I was so tired. Tired enough to admit, in the quiet of my mind, that I missed my life before all of this. A tiny part of me wished I'd avoided the trip to Durham. I hated thinking that way, but it was true. No, I wasn't blaming what happened on meeting Lily.

It was just that I wouldn't have done what I did for anyone else. Not even my best friends.

Or maybe I would have. That darkness had always been inside me.

My head was a fucking mess.

Ugh, I took it back. I didn't wish that I'd avoided the trip. In fact, I also wished that I could return to the days of pure bliss with her. The days before the kidnapping. Those were the happiest days of my life. Now, I couldn't enjoy those memories. They were soiled by what happened. And I almost regretted ever knowing that happiness and therefore fighting tooth and nail to get it back.

What was I saying?

Desperate, I groaned, rattling my brain for answers. Answers for how I got here and if there was a way out. I wished I could close my eyes and re-open them to find myself safe, free, and happy again. I wasn't my happiest without her, and I was obsessed with money, but I was happy enough.

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